2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.