#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
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Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.