As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
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that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.