Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’