Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.