My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.