It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
You Might Also Like
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
i love modern commerce
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Good point.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.