[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year