TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
You Might Also Like
Well, shit
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy