ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
he was correct
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…