Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language