Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.