Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.