*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?