my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”