West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly