a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
You Might Also Like
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years