I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
how high up are we talkin’?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year