scenes of unspeakable carnage
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I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
my dad has had enough
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If only.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If snakes were wide
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.