*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME