Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]