No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
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Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.