The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?