My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I missed you with all my darts
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.