I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.