*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!