Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
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Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”