FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill