Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding