holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.