Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila