How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Saturday
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind