If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
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Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
I have many caverns
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
You sure about that?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her