Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me if I was a dog
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit