I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”