Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
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If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.