Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
subtitles are so good nowadays
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?