Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Google Pay be like:
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.