To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Comparing yourself to others
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
incredible book dedication
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
huge if true: the moon
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.