Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.