are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
where the womens at?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim