odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.