Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.