ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.