Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
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I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it