[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
😜
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.