Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
consequences, the bane of my existence