Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
December birthdays be like…
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
describing stardew valley
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done