(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You Might Also Like
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.