Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”